When my sister got engaged, she told me that I was going to plan her wedding. That's right. She told me I was going to. Truthfully, I was glad to. I like planning things and I like my sister (most of the time...cough...excluding our teen years...cough...).
And, I like it because I get to indulge in my girlishness, something I rarely do as I prefer to be the stoic, calm, nongiggling type of girl. Deep down, I have come to realize that I do in fact long desperately to be swept off my feet in the most rational irrational way possible.
But I would hate it if it happened.
And love it.
And hate it.
And love it.
Sigh.
I have a friend that purports that all men are jerks and all girls are crazy. Sometimes I prove him right.
Anywho, my sister asked me to plan her wedding when I was single and I said yes. Soon after that, I started dating a guy. He was my first boyfriend. I wish I could tell you tales of bliss, of how I gave my heart away, etc., but I am much to rational than that. I honestly feel as if I never got to know him.
However, planning a wedding while dating a guy does make even the most cynical of persons picture her own wedding. While standing in the dressing room amid a tower of dresses, you can't help but wonder about your own...and if the person you are dating could be the groom...
It also doesn't help if your boyfriend sits you down for the "I am in this for the long haul"(his EXACT words, mind you) marriage talk a three months in, right as you are looking at said dresses.
To be honest, it was overwhelming I didn't like it and didn't react well to it. It touched a part of my heart that I wanted to run away screaming from like an intellectual running away from a hoard of intellectual hating meta zombies. But, deep down, I was thinking about flowers and dresses...and it was nice...
Well, fast forward a few months and here am I single and a little more cynical. The guy decided that I wasn't worth the long haul. In coffee terms, his medium roast was no match for my extra bold. This paragraph could turn into a "WHY MY EX-BOYFRIEND SUCKS" paragraph, but I will not let it because a) internet bashing is mean, b) it made Mark Zuckerberg's life sad and c) I don't know if my ex reads my blog or not. All I will say is that he exemplified Bernadette Peter's description of the protagonists in Into The Woods, which, for you who are not obsessed with Sondheim, goes something to the effect of "You're not good. You're not bad. You're just nice," which let's face it dear readers clashes with my extreme nature. I am sometimes good, sometimes bad, but rarely nice.
But, single or no, my sister is still getting married. And I am still planning her wedding.
Not much has changed. I still ogle the pretty and/or shiny wedding-related things. I still wonder about my wedding. It just is a little tainted. I do not wish to be marrying my ex AT ALL nor would I want to marry Sarah's fiance (that's just weird), but I wish...I wish for something...it isn't really tangible...maybe for an alternate universe where things worked out or perchance a universe where I was already married or... I don't know. There's just an ache.
But, dear readers, the ache is covered by work business, by plays, by exercise, by my friends' nervous breakdowns, etc. I have discovered that if I don't make time for aching, I won't, which isn't good. A little aching reminds you that you are alive. That you are indeed human with emotions that are unexplainable and silly. Granted, one shouldn't be ruled by them, but feeling them gives that depth that let's you know that you are not in a cartoon or even a live action movie. You are in reality.
Forcing yourself to ache is hard, but being forced to plan a wedding after being dumped by some guy pretty much requires aching.
So, bring on the officiants and the photographer.
Bring on Bridezilla and crazy relatives.
Bring on the travel plans and the bachelorette party.
Bring on the everpresent sorrow of being a lonely girl living in Oklahoma waiting for her Christian, Ancient Greek literate, extra bold coffee loving guy.
1 comments:
Good post. And to cheesily quote "How I Met Your Mother,"
Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
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